I haven’t had the easiest of lives up until now. There have been beginning and ends, uproots and changes, losses and heartbreak. I had an emotional breakdown at 21, which really didn’t bode well for my young adult years. Before that, my early teens were agonisingly horrific, and they paved the way for many years of struggling to fit in, struggling to be understood and accepted.
It has only been in recent years that I have fully grown into the person that I am. At 40, I am at a point in my life where I am content, and it is all thanks to my son.
From a very young age, I was always adamant that I would never have children. Being one of those people who prefer animals to the human race, I have always cooed and simpered when it came to a kitten or puppy, yet shied away when a squalling human baby was involved. I think my family were flabbergasted when I fell pregnant, as I was myself. It certainly wasn’t planned; however, it had been on my mind. At 29, I had nothing of importance to show for my life so far. I worked in a supermarket, I rented a shitty one-bedroomed flat, I was in a depressing relationship with an older guy who had more emotional problems than myself and was intent on making me as unhappy with life as he was! My brother, two years younger than me, had recently had a baby with his older girlfriend, and my baby sister was well on her way to populating the town with a string of brats. Maybe a baby was what I needed.
Now I know many of you are probably reading this and thinking WHAT?!! But it wasn’t like that. I didn’t see a child as an accessory. I just felt that maybe, just maybe, the stars were aligning themselves to show me the way forward..
So when I discovered I was pregnant after a mix up with my contraceptive pill, I was filled with a determination to become a parent. This was my next challenge in life, and I embraced it fully. My relationship was going nowhere and I gave him every option to get out, but he insisted on staying (temporarily, which is another story) and becoming a full-time father.
That dead-end relationship that I had clung to fell by the wayside as soon as I glimpsed my newborn son. I didn’t need to waste my time desperately seeking unconditional love anymore. For unconditional love was right there in my arms.
Of course, I have made the odd stupid mistake over the years. But motherhood has definitely changed my life, and certainly put things into perspective.
I am grateful to my son, my best creation, the most worthwhile thing I have ever done in my entire life, for giving me a reason to live, and for showing me that I am worthy of love.