Hellhole

Down and down, I spiral;

I’m out of control,

I feel myself falling

into a gaping, black hole.
And who can save me?

There is no safety net;

my thoughts, they consume me,

why can’t I forget?
I want to be happy,

I crave it so much

but depression, it envelops me

with its cold, devil’s touch.
One day, I will fight this,

and leave it behind;

until then, I will suffer

in the hellhole of my mind.

You

When I met you…

I let you in.

Not at first, however. At first, you remained on the outskirts of my existence, an extra in my life. I did not notice you then, and you did not need me.

But then…

You were suddenly there. My eyes were open and I saw you, and all that you were. I rarely allow visitors into my inner sanctum, but I let you in, and handed over my one and only key. 

Oh, I didn’t relinquish it easily. I had guarded it so closely for many years, waiting for the one who deserved it. But then I saw you, and I heard you knock, I heard you sing out to me with a siren call I had waited so long to hear. I had been so lonely for so long, and you felt familiar.

It felt like you belonged. I handed you the key and allowed you to unlock those shutters, to shake out those dust sheets, to sneak inside. You bowled in with such interest in me, a passion that I recognised but had never encountered in another. You felt like home. Your words filled the empty corners of my heart, they disturbed the dust until it swirled around us, they actually matched your actions, and my heart began to beat so hopefully. I was bemused – were you heaven-sent? 

I opened up to you in ways I hadn’t opened up to anyone, ever. I showed you my soul, my deepest thoughts. You touched my heart, and you set up camp in my soul. I offered you the pieces of me that nobody had ever seen before, and you took them gratefully, and held them so gently. You treated me like a treasure you felt lucky to have found. We were soulmates.

But then…

It was too good to be true; I should have known from the start. Things like this did not happen to people like me; I was not destined for a happy-ever-after.

I let you in fully, and I felt things change. I felt you draw away from me. And, fearing the sting of rejection, I pushed you out and locked the door. But I couldn’t cope; I didn’t want a life without you. Changing my mind, I flung the door open wide, but I was too late. I saw you with her, I saw you holding her hand. You embraced, and our eyes met over her shoulder. I felt the bottom fall out of my world. All of my hopes, all of our dreams; I saw them disappear in a blink of your eye. You turned away and you were gone, and I lost myself, falling and falling into a deep and bottomless black abyss.

The words you spoke lingered still, fluttering around me in the darkness like butterflies. I tried to catch them, to hold them close to my heart, but they eluded me and spiralled away. I was left in the dark, alone, with my dreams in tatters.